Seeking a well-educated, multi-langual female personal assistant who can shout “hijo de puta” in a slightly masculine voice when needed. The position pays $ 10,000 per week. A year’s salary has already been deposited in Swiss francs in escrow at the Banque du Luxembourg. To protect the employee, salaries will be deposited in her respective bank account (U.S. or elsewhere) at the end of every month upon the successful completion of a multiple-choice quiz about Jacques Lacan’s approach to structuralism (the quiz will be given in German), just to keep her sharp.
The ideal candidate will:
– Be between the ages of 31 and 39 (in one’s life this marks the epoch of nascent wisdom and an urgent sense of curiosity)
– Provide me with a police record, establishing that her past is generally free of young and handsome criminals and assorted shenanigans
– Be energetic, filled with valor
– Have experience with hostage situations with Somali pirates, but negotiated her own release while ensuring a live TV news feed was available to carry this adventure.
– Have a lifetime subscription to the New Yorker but hate the SHOUTS AND MURMURS section
– Agree to be awakened at all hours of the night to respond to my demands without the attending imploring or supplicatory tears.
– Enjoy the quiet, sardonic humor of Sam Shepard. Effectively argue which of his plays is the weaker one.
– Allow that Rudy Giuliani getting rid of the comb-over was the right move.
– Understand Jamaican patois
– Not speak more loudly just because she is on the phone (unless she is on the New York subway in which case loudness is de rigueur).
– Be willing to loudly express her disdain for non-fiction books about parenting
– Be able to be read like an open book
– Not be Mexican or descended from a Friar
– Enjoy the same vacation spots as me but not gush or exclaim loudly every time new travel is up for scheduling
– Have the ability to expound Spinoza’s ethics
– Enjoy petting my dog and play his Journey cassette tapes for him
– Not belong to awkward religious cults, especially The Satanical Veneration of Narcisso Chops, Church of Terry Richardson or the Cult of Les Belles Valseuses.
– Not be Muslim or French
– Punctuate any remarks about Republicans with chortles, eye-rolling and hip slapping,
– Occasionally enjoy looking up at the sky, except when driving me around.
– Have a college degree (something, from somewhere)
– Know how to operate semi-automatic pistols.
– Spontaneously like my Instagram posts and Facebook updates, leave enthusiastic comments.
– Agree to carrying a first-aid attache everywhere we go on travel together.
Only candidates who have fulfilled all of these criteria and expectations should apply. A resume in English and Portuguese with three portrait photos and two professional references (from people who are alive today and not living in captivity) should be sent to: DRK, 17-19 Arundel Street, London WC2R 3DX. – Ali Naderzad (@Ali Naderzad on Twitter)
Lazonby Grange 